If you hurt me, I'm gonna hurt you back.

Another day without a word.

Remember the moments you just burst out to such uncontrollable anger, so much furious, so much wanting to do something to that someone who just hurt you? Ha! Worse is that it seemed to be so easy and careless of them to have made you to such a poor terrible object of deceit..But you're the good guy. You'd rather shut your mouth, and forfeit, and cry. Shright. But what if time calls for action, some violent solution...like revenge?

Forget about anger management. Why not use your imagination instead? We are. Mortal. Enemies. How would you punish those who's done evil things to you? Any way specific? Anything dramatic, mind-blowing payback spectacular, just like in the movies? ;P

I would like to participate in a duelo, that pop bloody sword fight. Yield!

Or be a member of Fight Club. Astig.

Peace. and love thy enemies. \m/

Reality check.

I've recently made an assessment of my life, how I've been the past years and all. There was one significant time when I've hit the lowest in my life. I was having a good job. I was ultimately living in independence. Everything was doing good. Except that I've always felt alone. I was away from home. I understood perfectly that these things are happening the way it should be..but there's always something missing. I didn't like where I am. I didn't like the environment of people around me. Not that I've become so aloof, that I'd be criticizing everyone I meet. I've had few true good friends. I've learned few good things from experiences. Only a few, and the rest is a sad cold lie. I was losing track of it all.

I guess I've stepped a little too much on how the real society is. It was the first time looking on the ugly phases some people tend to take, over for the things ideal and right. Some live too much on preoccupations. Others and more, for money, no matter what the risks are. Always for deception, greed, hate. But there's nothing for passion. Nothing for love. Anymore. I've realized how people have become so empty and numb living their lives..without fixing anything for the better, without mending pains. It seems to me, getting by and through the hell of it all is the only way to live. Worse is that they've learned to get used to it. They've began to be good at it too. Stepping on others and always aiming for the edge.

I've become completely derranged. Is there really such a good and a bad thing? Is there any difference between right or wrong? I'm not trying to be misleading here. I'm sorry I'm bad at getting my point..but you know what I mean, right? I've made mistakes too and learned from them. I admit at times it's tempting to try do the less-difficult ways of getting what I want out of life, just like the others. Do we really have to lie?

I'm still in the process of re-evaluating my actions, and thingking carefully on it..on what do I really want to be and want to be doing, at least for today. I refuse to be cold. I'm turning away from the lies. Where this all leads, no one knows. But I know I have to keep a good heart, to let it start beating again, with of course, coping up to this crazy world we live in.

How does someone reach to the truth of what he really is and how he is happening, being aware and all of his perceptions, beliefs, and decisions? Or will we ever achieve that fulfillment we ever dreamed of? What could you or could you more, need out of your life to be contented? That narrow path to clarity, or that wide open road to nowhere, which one would you choose?

If you ask yourself these kind of questions, what could your answers be?



..and my head aches again ;) Quite complex, sorry. X/

My Favorite Things

1. Strawberry. The ultimate passion fruit. The red, sweet strawberry lingers in the mouth like wild. Served best with honey.

2. An old black piano. I've been taught and played music for a time. A piano is quite hard to afford these days..but I'll make sure that next year, I've already saved for my own precious musical instrument. I don't know why I like my piano to be looking older..but surely when it sings, melodies would sound just like the awesome classics!

3. Books. Books. Books. The joy of reading. The journey through the pages. The lessons learned from stories. Currently reading Mark Fritz's Lost on Earth: Nomads of the New World.

4. Cha (tea). Life without tea is life without water. Green, Earl Gray, Jasmine, Rose, lovely! Tea makes me feel a whole lot calm, or at least makes me look less hostile after cups and cups more. ;P

5. Love? It's my heart that gets me going, always. Love reminds me of why I live and what I live for. Love makes me happy, sharing it with my family and with all those close to my heart. Love takes me back to sanity, after a while of pain. Love is faith. Love is passion. Love is life!

6. El cielo y mar. The sky and the sea. Nothing beats a perfect sunrise by the beach. Of course sunsets are wonderful too, and that magical mood after. ;P

7. Blogger! I know my piece is badly written, but thanks for sharing your thoughts. :) So what are the things you love most?

Have faith. Always.

"Those who follow Tao declare that there is no evidence that a god created our world. They have not found any empirical proof, and they cannot accept the idea philosophically. They reason that god must be absolute and this means oneness, omnipotence, omniscience, and omnipresence. Naturally, anything separate and distinct would not satisfy this criteria. If there was a god and a world that god created, then there would be two things- and god could not then be considered absolute. If there were an absolute god, there could not be anything separate from god. Everything is god. We are also god. However, we fail to realize this? Why? Because we look for god outside of ourselves. We make the mistake of taking ourselves as the viewer and then seek god as the object of our examinations. Unfortunately, everything we perceive is tainted by our subjectivity, and anything that we define as god "out there" cannot be god because it is not absolute. All you've found is something that exists in relation to your perceptions. You are god. The only way to confirm this is to remove the barrier of subjectivity that prevents you from realizing your essential oneness with all things."

* Amazing ideology. If we were to praise only ourselves a Godly faith, existence would be fragile, and in question. I could perceive that I stand a part of this conciousness, that I am one with the self. Though I still don't think this would serve and pass as proof of something absolute anyway. A religion stands weak, and is regardless therefore. I can only always acknowledge my presence, my worth, my purpose..and my faith to God.

**Share your thoughts :)

2 Lovers. 1 Summer. 9 Songs.

"Exploring the Antarctic is like exploring space. You enter a void, thousands of miles, with no people, no animals, no plants. You're isolated in a vast, empty continent. Claustrophobia and acrophobia in the same place, like two people in a bed." - Matt

Yesterday's an unusual day of celebrated idleness..I loved it! I've undulged myself watching French love flicks 'till the rest of me, me eyes got tired. Thanks to the subtitles and to the shiny Belucci dvd cover. It's "Malena" up front so I borrowed it from groovy friend Suwei. Or so of course the other titles are flashy like "Tie Me up, Tie Me Down" and "Anatomy of Hell" amongst of 8 films. Dang! I must have really loved that day.

I pre-viewed which film I should watch first. Sure I know wonderful "Malena" already from it's dubbed premiere on cable tv. The 2nd, 3rd until the 8th preview..I'm surprised, shocked, appalled! Ok just a little surprised. I realized I am to see an erotic movie parade. Yes, porn. But really I'd prefer learning it as a for-arts-sake-it-is-french-anyway movie series. Thank you Malena.

I'll try my best to put up a good review. I would higly recommend "9 Songs" of them all. You cannot, please dare not stay together with the kids when watching this film. I am sorry I lied it's an all french series, but this one, is an American film of 2005, shot in a British environment, conveyed with a French feel. Uh-huh? 'Tis not porn at all. 'Tis A love story. It made sense that they've incorporated such simple storyline with the rock songs played by bands in between significant events (I'm not sure if the're 9 in all). Awesome awesome score! The movie is a lovetale of 2 people, Matt and Lisa, happening in the early stages of their relationship. Despite of it's naked explicit scenes (as sex is), the lines were natural and so softly delivered, as how would other indies go. But it's not at all confusing. 9 Songs is lyrically beautiful. I learned how uncomplicated love could be, how affairs could be so real and expressive of pure passion, of painful sadness, of hate, of longing, and of loving again. Ain't easy, but simple really.

Having the acquired taste for sappy movies, 9 Songs is good romance alternative film. I almost hated myself crying for this. Weh. I liked Lisa's character. She had a rad air and an egotistical crazy way of affection for Matt. I couldn't help but symphatize with her rebelliousness for the most part. Also the portrayal of the lovers' youth helped made a bittersweet ending to their story. Ok I'll not spoil your curiosity about the whole film. I'm not really good on making reviews. I'm a lame critic. But for my friends, specially, if not outstanding, 9 Songs is worth watching.

Rock and roll!

Transmissions from the Satellite Heart

It seems..it will rain.. You’re happy about it aren’t you?

It is a blessing..blessing for our fields. Insha-Allah we will have good harvest this year.

But the crops, they won’t be reaped ‘till February. You won’t be here anymore.

Yeah but I’m not worried. I trust you. You’ll know how to manage thru in this deal. I shall give you instructions. Would that be ok?

Uh..Yeah I guess.

Nah..You can do it. You'll be fine.

He put down the cup of coffee on half spilled and he didn’t care. His nonchalant smile gleamed at me from across the wooden table. It was a semi-bright still afternoon. I would always remember these moments when me and dad would have laid-back conversations. I’m just happy he’s with me. Each year, for all the years of my life, he’s been spending vacations with us. Either Christmas or Summer, our house becomes a home, complete with all of the family, present and together. Each year, for fifty-two days.

My first meeting with my father was very unlikely for me. I had to make some real improve, a good coy of what it would feel like to be with him, in a picture. Mother would always build him up like a superhero who, though far away from us, will always just be near, because he’s supportive, loving, and telekinetic. She would write captions on the back of my pictures and send it to dad, as if I wrote it, as if I was a smart 3 year old kid. I felt for mom ever since. I have learned how it became such a struggle for my parents to live apart for a long time now. She wrote her all-occasion letters, and recorded our taped messages. I would participate in a scripted happy message. I thought we’re only making a school project. I was feeling indifferent still after we’ve finished.

The years passed. I now have an adorable sister who best suited in a wrestling match, if not in heated debates as we grew older. (Physical pain I would prefer is better.) From baby-hoods to sweet-sixteens to mid-life crises, dad has possessed his superpowers and promises. We’ve not never ever been spoiled brats, nor crazed with latest gizmos. (nevertheless The Moffatts had invaded and became a phenomenon.) From recitals to PTA’s to loyalty awards, events happening to students we are, father was all busy, all patient and homesick, all determined to give us a better life, I have all understood.

I wish to be positive that my parents have succeeded in bringing us up to – if only possible – be the kindest, most endearing kids. Well I’m not going to brag, simply because there’s no reason to. But like I said, all the determination I’ve seen from my father’s eyes, providing for and raising us his children, is the toughest as a president’s responsibility. He took it so seriously, and we know we made his mind bleed more often. That alone is one reason I am grateful for a father so loving, a reason in a million more.

Now that I’m older, I’d hate to say grown-up, but yes I am learning from the good and the not-so-good circumstances and phases in my adult life. I am happy I could distinct in between differences, all because my father taught me so. He’s always this hugely mild influence in the process of making my own decisions. He is truly one figure I look way, way up to.

We’ve had much interesting times talking in his precious free time. We’ve debated in mostly religious matters. It was more spiced up considering he’s a Muslim and I, an apprentice to become a vegetarian Buddhist. I didn’t mind though as long as we both agreed animal slaughter is against the law of God. All the insights he would unconditionally testify and define for me, as if he’s the greatest Imam ever lived. I've never felt his energy emanated that way again. I would always be enlightened. Then there was business talk. I would always pretend to be sleepy. I am bad at math.

Nah..You can do it. You'll be fine.

Uh..Yeah I guess.

That is how our relationship has evolved. It was unique in a way, as at times I have confused longing with sadness. It was a crazy long distance affair. I love my father to death. If only I could possess the same superpowers he has, I’d probably be in a hologram talking to him in person at this same exact time. Can't afford 3G.

Oh well. I could always put it in words.

I miss you dad. I'll make coffee again for you soon.

Triangle

A belief has once said that the triangle shape means change. Starting from a narrow part to the widest space of knowledge, where we'll be most welcoming of peace, love, and all things beautiful. So I had always believed at some point I will somehow be standing on crossroads, choose the path I'd like to take, and make change. And so life is always changing. A super fast paced routine that keeps everyone exhausted by the end of the day..and wake up to another, and again. No one ever dared to stop really. It is plain acceptance of which problem one must solve, and of which heartbreak one must mend. Life as time, goes on after all. I took a great deal on life - growing up with a lot of struggles just like everyone goes thru - or so I only realized it now.

Life must have been good. Nah. For me it never was. Sure I was a normal grown up kid existing in our universe, but that's just it. Plain existence - that I choose to run away from reality, most of the time, by running away from possible mistakes, possible mishaps, possible heartaches. It's as if life for me has been planned a million years before me, so I'd live worry free. Why these all is clear to me now. I've faced everything all at once, then came failures, then I stopped trying. I won't go in detailing the ugliness I've been thru - but by this, is why I'm brought up, well, as me now.

I could be the bestest friend to everyone. I have a knack for psychology, a good one, as all else shuts up to buy my wisdom. I don't know why this happens when I could never even steal my own advice. Honestly now, nothing meant to me - of my past - as in nothing and noone was important at all. I don't even live for me or the faith everyone keeps telling me. Or so my triangle was inverted, it started from a wide but closed space of emptiness. I was lying, I was cheating reality, I was inflicting me other norms of influences those strayed souls take. I must say it's all derranged thoughts and feelings, Gods help me I don't know what could've happened now if I've kept on slaying myself to death. It was literal numbness all my years.

Having to choose the way I've lived was difficult, ironic, but rewarding in the end. I don't know if the lessons I've learned came as I grew older, or better I'd like to count it on experiences. Yes, these are precious moments, highs and lows, I'll forever be grateful for. Great wisdom's formation happens here. Of equal importance comes the best relationships I've ever had, of the people who have dedicated such an amount of patience for me. I'll always cherish this life because of them. I have never seen my family as troubled, or good friends as concerned, a loved one so worried - things that I've made to believe are untrue - not that I've been watching sappy movies lately - It's just that after long long persistence of them trying to define me, I am finally convinced that it's beautiful to be weaker, better to be unknowing, okay to be angry, good to be loved - to live to be me.

Sure I'm still stranger to the strangest or the extreme of my criticisms. But hey, this is me now, and I will always be. I'll forever hold true of what is now, regardless of everything that's gone and else that's never missed. For things are meant to be what they are, people connect thru an unending sphere of events - dunno where it ends - but surely to a path where it's supposed to be. A mind and a heart are all it takes to take it all, so sudden, in a flowing state now I choose to draw myself in. I've got beliefs now, yeah still struggling, but I love it.

Something changes soon, it's the biggest, and yes I am aware of it happening, just not exactly. So I'm recollecting my thoughts here now as I might like to take shifts - to a more open, wider triangle of a life I've always dreamed of. Or so it's made to change this way.